Ryan Starsailor (né Rian Astronnautes) has, at various times in his life, been described as a lonely jerk and an insane loser.
He is the worst-selling author of an incomplete roman à clef, which describes, rather clumsily, a particularly dark six months of his existence on planet Earth. It is likely that it will never see publication outside of this very website, and remains his proudest achievement amongst a body of work that can be best summarized as “a noxious swamp of appallingly bad writing”.
When he’s not shaming his family with his stupid writing hobby (the Starsailors have no respect for hackneyed storytelling), he’s either drinking a Lone Star tallboy, or gulping down a melatonin or two in order to expedite the sleeping process. He’s had a rather draining life.
Though penniless, Ryan is a frequent traveler. He somehow manages to travel by air and bus to various states and countries, and often finds himself waking up in New Orleans or San Francisco or Houston or New York City or Tokyo or Hiroshima feeling stupid and useless. Then he gets on and airplane or a Greyhound, gosh darn it, and tries to find a place where he doesn’t have to feel like that any longer.
He can be found singing his lungs out at Deer Tick concerts all across the United States. He’ll usually be in the front row, just below lead singer John McCauley, wishing in that little heart of his that he too owned a 1996 sonic-blue made-in-Japan Fender Jag-Stang. (UPDATE: Ryan has purchased this very guitar.) For the record, he has kissed John McCauley twice—once on New Year’s Eve 2012, if you can believe it—and has not contracted any illnesses as a result of swapping saliva with his favorite indie rock star.
Ryan Starsailor currently lives in Austin, Texas without his two cats, who live somewhere in Baltimore, Maryland, because he broke this girl’s heart one time, and it’s made things pretty complicated. He is terribly sorry for his stupidity, and will drink this here beer and strum this here six-string until he feels better about it. (He also sees a licensed professional therapist, which is the most mature step he’s ever made toward Not Being Sad. Good for him!)